My Home's In....

Well Christmas is all over and we are back in Wyoming, nose to the grindstone. I really enjoyed being home with our family and getting so much time with them, but I am so glad to be done with it. It can be extremely exhausting to have to go back and forth between two families and feel like you've spent adequate time with both. Too much of it can drive you nuts. Plus the eight to nine hour drive to actually get home is just as exhausting. I can't even imagine what next year is going to be like with a six month old. If we are still here next Christmas, I think it might be worth putting our puppy in doggy daycare. That way we can at least alleviate the need to take our pup. 

There is a good chance that we may be moving back to Montana in the next month or so. Well a slight chance anyway. Chris got an interview up in Missoula for a great job. He's one of five candidates for this job that I think he would really enjoy. He has an interview on the 17th of January in Missoula. I wish it wasn't so far off though. His boss at the company we are at currently actually just quit a couple weeks ago, so they are looking at restructuring the position. Most likely he will be receiving a promotion here as well. So if he doesn't get the job in Missoula, we will at least get a bigger place and bump in pay here. 

I have really mixed feelings about both positions. Missoula would be awesome because we would only be three hours from home, we'd be near civilization again and so we could actually get involved in our community and a church and various other activities. But we would have a lot more bills to pay. We don't pay for housing or utilities here. We also don't really pay for groceries in the summer because we can eat in the employee dining room and various restaurants. And even more tantalizing is the fact that we have cut our student loan total in half in the past year. If we were to stay here just a year more, we could really get those student loans knocked out to a small chunk. We could also afford an upgrade on our vehicle, which is going to be something that we really need to do here soon, one way or the other. 

If we moved to Missoula, Chris would probably get about the same salary as he will here once his position is restructured, but we'll have to pay for rent, groceries and utilities. Plus with a baby, my career options are pretty limited, so it's not like I could significantly contribute to the paycheck. But even with all of that, I do think we could cut back quite a bit and make it work. There are people who make less than Chris would who make it work too. It would be hard at times, but I don't think it would be awful. And being so close to home is such a big selling point. We only get to go home about four times a year, if we are lucky. And now that a baby is coming, it just seems like it would be so much easier to drive three hours rather than eight or nine to see our family. 

If it doesn't work out that Chris gets this job, we are going to continue to look for opportunities near home. I feel like in another year or so we will be that much more prepared to move onto something else. We'll have had more time to save and continue to pay off our student debt. We'll also have had time to get a new vehicle and start making payments on it. And the baby will have arrived and we would hopefully be into somewhat of a routine. If we do get offered the job in Missoula, we are going to go for it and get outta here, but I don't think it would be bad thing either if we do end up staying here. We do like it here after all, it's just the whole driving nine hours to get home that we are a little bit tired of. We will see. Only time can tell! 

Crying It Out Will Just Not Do!

Something that I really didn't expect (okay well I guess I knew about it but just didn't think it would happen) is how emotional pregnancy makes me. I mean in general I am a pretty emotional person anyway. If someone looks at me funny, I might start crying normally. But now it's like everything is multiplied by like twenty. If someone maybe hints at possibly thinking they might look at me funny, I'll start crying inside. And then I really do cry because I can't hold in the fact that I want to cry. I cry for the most stupid things and sometimes I cry and don't even know why I'm crying. Like literally I have no idea what it is that has brought on tears.

You know that movie "What to Expect When You're Expecting"? Yea, she wasn't kidding when she says she cries at commercials... I've probably cried at two or three of them that are somewhat maybe a little sappy. Forget about watching movies like "Marley and Me" that made me sob when I wasn't pregnant. And I cry at sweet little things too. Like how cute a baby is or how kind my friends are or how thoughtful my husband is. It's just a never-ending up and down emotional roller coaster ALL THE TIME!!

And it's not even like I'm crying because I'm overwhelmed with work or chores or because I'm uncomfortable, because at least that would be understandable. I just have crying jags where I just ball for no apparent reason. And then I cry even more because I'm being stupid!

I get upset that I'm getting fat (yea I know it's not "fat") and it's upsetting that it won't matter if I do crunches because it's just going to keep getting bigger anyway. And then I don't even want to do anything at all because it won't make any difference anyway, and then I'm less happy because I don't exercise but why bother, even though really it does matter. Ugh!

Oh and the mood swings too! I mean really, one minute I will be fine and happy go lucky no problem and then DH doesn't wipe the sink off right and all hell breaks loose. And then the tears start coming because I can't figure out why I'm pissed off because it's absolutely silly to be mad about why the sink isn't wiped off right. I mean really, who cares? But for some reason this child is making me care and then the cycle starts all over again and I'm crying because I have no idea why I'm mad and upset and it makes no sense! I think I'd rather be nauseous than have all these crazy mood swings, because they are not fun!

Pain or No Pain??

Epidural or no epidural? How to decide?? It is such a loaded question that can change with so many different turn of events! I love the idea of being one of those women who births her child medication free. It's like I could be this almighty Amazon woman who can do all things she puts her mind to. I've been reading up on epidurals and the risks and benefits just to try and convince myself that, yes, I can give birth without the need for medication. I CAN do it! But there is that tiny little voice inside of me saying, "Why even bother trying to go for it? What is the point? You'll get the baby eventually anyway, and it might be a whole lot better experience. Why endure all that pain?"

The problem that I am having is that if I were to get an epidural, the chance of needing a c-section or the need for Pitocin or forceps or a vacuum removal greatly increases. Are all those risks worth the pain relief? I mean if I end up having a c-section, is that worth the incredibly painful recovery and nasty ass scar I'll have forever? The other problem that I am having is that I have NO idea what exactly it's going to feel like. Yes I know it's going to hurt. I know it will be unlike anything I've ever experienced. But I've never given birth and I have no idea what it really is going to be like, so how can I say I can be strong enough through it when I really have no idea what I'm actually agreeing to.

Ultimately I want to do it naturally. I want to be one of those strong women who can say "Yes I gave birth naturally without any medication!" After all, I've been able to do a lot that I put my mind to. I mean a few years ago, if someone had told me that I would run a marathon in less than five hours, I don't know if I would have believed them. And I ended up doing it just three short months ago. If I can dedicate myself to the training and endurance it takes to run a marathon, I can give birth medication free. I'm going to continue reading up on the whole natural child birth thing and find out what exactly I should expect in the delivery room. I think knowing what to expect will be half the battle. And there are plenty of natural pain relieving methods. Knowing those will help a lot.

Where the Hell Do I Come Up With This Stuff??

It's been a long time since I've wrote something in my blog. Mostly because I feel like I haven't had anything interesting to write lately. But last night I had some doozy of dreams that were just absolutely crazy. I actually commonly have weird dreams and I almost always remember at least one. But this time I remember at least two, maybe three. The first one I dreamt that I was the fourth finalist on The X Factor. We have been watching this show since the tryouts and following it rather religiously, so it makes sense that it was on my mind. Anyway, I was a finalist, along with Harry Potter (who was played by Daniel Radcliffe, but went by, of course, Harry Potter) the gay guy from Glee (Kurt) and an actual finalist on The X Factor right now, Tate Stevens. In this episode, the hosts were exploring each of our backgrounds a little bit more. Khloe Kardashian was the host (she really is one of the hosts this season) and she started with Harry. She told the audience that they were going to show a video from Harry's home of his little sister Eve. Now just as a back ground story, I have a little sister, who is two and her name is Evie. When Khloe said that Harry had a little sister named Eve, I thought it was rather strange that we both had that in common. Then suddenly they showed a video of my mom's house and the camera was in fact following my youngest sister around the house in just her diaper. They followed her around for a few minutes and I realized that they obviously got it all mixed up and that this was actually my sister, not Harry's. She looked at the camera and her diaper was FULL of poop and she went to take it off. As she is doing so, she yells at the camera "Jackson, shut that damn camera off!" And the video suddenly went off.

Apparently everyone thought this was funny and not at all nasty that her diaper was full of poop or that a two year old had just swore. So they spoke to Harry and asked him what he had to say. He tried to pretend like it wasn't a big deal or anything and he said "As funny as that was, I do not have a sister named Eve. I believe this video is Steph's sister." Afterwards, I actually think I woke up and looked around, because I don't remember anything else. I really didn't understand where I was and who was laying next to me because I was JUST sitting next to Tate Stevens and Harry Potter on The X Factor stage. Then I realized it had just been a dream and I fell immediately back to sleep.

And then for some reason in the middle of doing something messy (I have no idea what) I suddenly realized that I was getting married in an hour and a half and I needed to get my hair done. Because I didn't know that I was getting married, I didn't make an appointment with anyone. So I had to walk into a Mastercuts type place and see if anyone was available. I walked in and only one woman was in there. She was chewing gum and playing on her iPhone rather obnoxiously and I asked if I could get my hair done. She said she would get to me when she had a moment. I guess the dream version of me is a lot nicer than the real version because I just sat there politely waiting for her to be ready for me. Then suddenly more people started walking in and more stylists appeared out of nowhere. One lady walked in with her husband and I recognized them to be a family that we knew when my family lived in Havre. She got right in and started getting her hair done, which I didn't think was strange at all!

Now the lady that was left for me (who was still not doing anything but playing on her phone) showed no sign of getting to me anytime soon, and I was on a tight schedule. I was getting married and I couldn't get married with the hair I had! So I politely asked her if she would be ready anytime soon (which again is very much unlike what I would do in real life) and she flipped out. She started screaming that I needed to wait my "goddamn turn." Apparently I pissed her off enough that she stormed out of the salon and ran to the parking lot. Well I left the keys in our car and somehow she knew exactly which one it was. I realized she was going to steal it and I tried to race her there. But of course in dreams you can't move or speak the way that you normally can, so of course she got there first. Instead of stealing the car though, she decided to play demolition derby. Many many cars were in pieces and there was nothing I could do. It had been done with my car and so now my insurance premiums were going to go way up.

I'm not really sure what happened afterwards. The details are fuzzy. You know when you are dreaming and everything makes sense while you are dreaming, but as soon as you wake up, you have no idea what was going on? That's pretty much what happened. I know I continued to dream about something to do with a gas station and a bunch of people that were looking for me and then they turned into a marching band and a parade started going down the street...I don't know. All I know is when I woke up, I felt like so much had happened and that I should be exhausted, but I actually felt pretty rested.