Fears and Worries

This book that I'm reading says that it's really good to express your biggest fears about the birthing process beforehand. That way you can internalize them and find solutions to help you face the fears in such a way that they are manageable and solvable (sounds a little fruity, I know, but I do think it will help me to get them out there). And it also helps to just get them out there. I often find myself able to dismiss my fears easily once I get them said and worked out.

As cliche as it may sound, I think my biggest fear about giving birth is the unknown. I have no idea what to expect. What if the pain is far worse than I am expecting? What if there are complications? What if the nurses and doctors are assholes and everything is tense and strained because I don't want to do what they are telling me to do? What if there is something wrong with the baby?

The pain is a big one for me. I keep thinking about all the numerous birth stories I've heard and overall they are all pretty positive, which is encouraging. My own mom has had generally easy labors that didn't have any complications. She even said that she rarely ever tore, a big genetic plus if you ask me! There are things about each labor that she said she would have changed, but she doesn't dwell on them either. She definitely talks about them and says that she would have liked them to go one way or the other, but she still got her baby out of it regardless of if the doctor broke her water or if she had to be induced or if she bled a lot more than she should have. The thing that I've really learned from her is that it's not the end of the world if your labor goes a little differently than what you expected. You still have a beautiful baby at the end of it.

As far as the pain, I don't really know how to prepare for it other than to just think through the whole thing that I can do it. Positive thinking really does go a long way. I remember when I started training for my marathon that I just put it into my head that failure wasn't an option. I kept telling myself that I would cross the finish line, even if that meant that I would have to crawl to get there and I would be out there for eight hours. When I think about giving birth, I keep telling myself that I've run a marathon. Thousands of women give birth every day that have never even attempted to run a marathon. If they can do it, why can't I?

The other thing that is both encouraging and scary is that with a marathon, I could have stopped at any point and decided I didn't want to do it anymore. The world would have kept on turning whether I kept going or whether I stopped and said "Okay, I'm done! I do not want to run any more!" But with birth, there's no stopping. Failure really isn't an option. One way or the other, a baby is coming, whether it comes with or without medication or surgery. Like I said it's both encouraging and scary. I can't stop. It just has to be done. And honestly when I ran a marathon, failure really wasn't an option in my mind either. I had set out to do it, and I wasn't about to stop when I was so close to being done.

I've been reading as much as I can get my hands on regarding the birthing process. I was really on the fence about getting a doula. I like the idea of someone that is there for Chris and me. I like the idea that she won't have a hidden agenda of wanting to get the birth over with, or have it done a certain way or whatever obstacles the doctors and nurses bring in. But is it really worth paying someone $500+ to help us have a baby? There is a pretty good chance that everything will be right as rain and there will really be no need for a doula. I think I have decided against it. I feel like as long as Chris and I prepare together and really educate ourselves on the various "what-ifs" we will be okay.

I would really like to have my mom there as well. There's just something really comforting about having your mom there when you're sick that makes things a lot better. And she has had eight kids for goodness sakes. She's knows her way around the whole childbirth experience. The hard thing is that she lives 7 hours away and it's hard to know when a baby is going to show up. If she came down a couple days before I'm due and then we could all just hang out and do whatever until the baby wants to show, I would love it! She would probably have to bring my little sisters (they will be almost five and three by then) because my step-dad has to work and would have to find someone to watch them while he was away. We would just have to figure out what to do with the girls once I do go into labor. I do have a friend that has a young daughter herself and she is home during the days. She could probably watch them during the day and then once my sisters (who are both working here this summer) get off work, one of them could take over.

All in all, I really do think everything will work out just fine. I have no reason to worry simply because my pregnancy has been a breeze so far, I'm young and healthy and everything is fine with the baby. I think I do have a slight advantage as well because my care provider is a certified nurse midwife, not an obstetrician. I feel like a natural child birth is much more achievable in a hospital with a provider who doesn't have the letters M.D. behind their name. I feel like they tend to have specific ways of doing things that they do not like to stray away from and they look at child birth as a "condition" rather than a natural process. I also had a friend who had the same person that I have as a care provider and she really liked her (and she was able to have a natural birth) so I am optimistic. All in all, I am going to make known my wishes, but I also realize that things don't always go according to plan, especially when having a baby. You still end up with a baby regardless of how he gets out.

It's a Boy!!

We found out, we found out! And it was just what I thought. Like I said before, I wouldn't have been upset at all that we were having a girl had it been that way, but I just envisioned us with a boy first. I built up to this day with so much anticipation too. The last two nights I had ultrasound filled dreams and it was always a boy! On Sunday night, I dreamt that we missed our ultrasound appointment because we forgot that we needed to leave an hour earlier in order to make it on time. And then when I realized it, Chris had to get out of taking a really important test ('cause apparently he was in school again...) and I was pissed! Then last night I kept dreaming that we were at the ultrasound appointment and we could see the perfectly developed baby boy in full on color, like we were looking through a window in my stomach. And I just have to say, he was adorable!

Well this morning we got up and of course the car wouldn't start. We forgot to plug the car in the night before and it got COLD last night. Fortunately our neighbor happened to be outside smoking a cigarette and Chris was able to get him to jump our car. But it wasn't without difficulty. It didn't want to get going. Of course that happens the day we have to be in town early.

Once we got to the hospital, they got us in right away. No waiting at all. We initially met with a nurse and she got us going. Probably about 30 seconds into it, Chris says "It's a boy." I felt like I hadn't even had a chance to look at it yet and right away the nurse confirmed, "Yep, it's definitely a boy!" When I said I still couldn't see it, she highlighted it and pointed an arrow towards it. It was there for sure. I was almost shocked that I was right. I was convinced that my maternal instincts were probably wrong and it was a girl, especially because Chris kept saying he thought it was a girl. So it's now confirmed, our baby is a bouncing boy!! It's so exciting. We couldn't stop smiling after we found out. It's just so fun knowing what we should go shopping for now!

When I called my house, my grandma picked up and I thought I had called the wrong place. Turns out that she was there to watch the girls while my mom was going to class. Mom hadn't left yet, so I caught her just in time. She was convinced it was a girl and when I told her it was a boy, she almost didn't believe me. She said she was so used to getting little girl things that she had to start getting used to little boy stuff. But she was really excited for us. Better than my dad anyway. I don't really know why I even bother. I called to tell him that he was having a grandson and I must have woke him up because he seemed all disoriented and confused. When I told him, he was like "Huh...grandson, what?" Then he suddenly figured it out and still didn't seem that excited. It's just so irritating. He's such an ass and I don't know why I am ever surprised. But everyone else was super excited for us.

Now that we know, I can go update our baby registry and figure out what boy stuff to put on. It just keeps getting more and more real. Honestly, even though I knew it was happening and that I really did have a baby inside me, it just has suddenly become that much more of a reality. I know who it is now. My whole world has drastically changed. I'm a mom. That's a crazy new role change in my life that is both really scary and really exciting at the same time.

New Stuff

Well I officially felt the baby move! It was such a cool feeling. I felt it on Saturday, the 12th. I was moving around quite a bit. I decided that I was really bored and wanted to clean the bathroom. And man was I cleaning it. I scrubbed it corner to corner and reorganized everything. I kept feeling this weird tickling in my stomach. I didn't really notice it at first but it kept moving around in my stomach. One second it would be deep down closer to my groin and then I would feel it again up by my ribs. It took me a little while to realize what it was, but when it kept happening, I knew it must be the baby. And he/she did it all day long. It felt like it was doing flips in there.

I haven't felt him/her move quite as much since Saturday. Little kicks here and there, but I think it's mostly because I haven't been moving around as much as I was on Saturday. I really wanted to go for a walk/run this weekend, but the warmest it got was just a couple degrees above 0. It was a COLD weekend! When it's like this, it's really hard in the winter. Normally we can at least go out and go for walks or be outside a little bit even when its in the twenties or so. But the last week has not been pleasant outside weather at all. I am to the point of being REALLY tired of the cold. Jamaica cannot be here soon enough.

We also found out news on where we are going to be living now. Chris was offered a higher position here, with a move up in housing. It wasn't the house we were expecting, but it's not bad. It's a two bedroom and it does have a dishwasher, which is HUGE. The salary was only about a $5,000 jump, which we were hoping for closer to ten, but it's still more than we would get in Missoula. And he is bonus eligible, so each year he could potentially get a 10% raise. And he would primarily be able to run his department the way that he wants to. As a 25 year old, it's a really big jump in his career. And it's really going to be nice to have a bigger place to live!

I was a little disappointed when I found out what house we were getting. We were hoping to be able to host Easter this year and invite his family down. Since we are getting a smaller two bedroom place, it probably won't be a possibility. But we can still have his parents come stay with us and when the baby comes, and we'll have a place for my mom to stay too. So it will be good. We did go look at one place that they offered us that doesn't have a dishwasher, but it has a horrible kitchen. The washer and dryer are in the kitchen (which a lot of the places have it like that) along with the hot water heater, so they stick out really weird and it's really small and awkward. We haven't looked at the other one yet because there is someone living in it right now, so I'm hoping that the washer and dryer aren't sticking out like that. We also have to wait until mid-February to move in. Honestly though, if we have to wait until March to move and get a dishwasher, I'm willing to wait. I think we will be very happy that we waited once we finally do get all settled in.

It is very exciting to know that we are moving soon! And that we are getting a place that is bigger than anything we have had before. We will actually have a living room and two bedrooms and our own washer and dryer and a somewhat decent sized kitchen. I know I was disappointed at first with the housing and the salary, but honestly what we got is still really awesome. Hopefully by the time we do end up leaving, we have all of our student loans free and clear and we have a new car (which we will need to really start looking for soon) and we will just be in a much better place to go somewhere new.

The Scale's Going Up...

Okay I know that it is a good thing and I should be happy about it, and I suppose a part of me is, but it is really disconcerting to step on the scale at 17 weeks pregnant and realize you've already gained seven pounds. I know, I know, it means that the baby is growing and healthy and I really am happy about it, but part of me really wishes he/she could grow without making me gain any weight. Bleh! I just keep thinking "Man I worked so hard to get down to 150 last summer and now I'm going to have to start all over and it's going to be even harder because I'll have a lot more weight to lose and I will have a newborn baby, and a sore body and not nearly as much time as I had before!" 'Sigh' 

I'm hoping that since I'll be staying home to take care of the baby, I will have at least an hour to have a good workout once I get all healed up and feeling a little back to my normal self. I would really like to get back into running too because it was such an easy way to workout and a great stress reliever. We'll see about that though. It might be potentially really hard pushing a stroller. But then again I could get some seriously awesome arms. I do think I'm going to try Insanity. It's really only two months and the workouts aren't nearly as long as the P90X workouts. Granted, I have yet to see any of the workouts, so who knows if I'll even like them, but it might be the only thing I can get myself to stick to. We will see. Either way, I have decided that I am not going to weigh myself anymore. I'll just let the doc weigh me and leave it at that!

A Little This and That

I haven't posted much lately because I have been soooo bored. I just feel like I have nothing interesting to write about. Christmas is over and dead winter has set in here in Wyoming. We have two months until our big Jamaica vacation and four months until things start hustling and bustling around here in anticipation of the season beginning. We are almost half way through the winter season, but the second half always seems so much longer. And now that we have a baby on the way, I feel like it will drag even more due to my growing hugeness. 

We do have a little bit of news as far as what's going to happen with our living situation. Chris was called in the other day to discuss what is going on with the whole restructuring of his department. Basically it's great news. We will get to move to a much bigger place (the place I've been praying for by the way) and he will report to the person he was hoping to and he will basically be able to run the department how he wants to. It's still not 100% just because they haven't officially offered him the updated job description and shown him some numbers in terms of salary. But basically it looks like we are probably going to end up staying. He still is going to interview for the job in Montana, but unless he gets offered a awesome deal up there, it will be hard to give up the position here. It will just be a great career move for him and we could really use the extra money we will be saving by not paying rent. We would really like to knock out our student loans as soon as possible so we can start saving for a down payment on a house and various other luxuries we'd like to have someday. And we are going to need a new car soon. That's not something we can delay too much longer unfortunately. It is kind of exciting to think that we only have to move right down the street, versus up a state in the dead of winter. And I won't have to find a new doctor and switch to a new insurance company and all that. It just seems like the much less stressful option. 

I definitely am anxious for things to get going. It seems like once January is over, things will finally start rolling rather quickly. We will finally know for sure where we are going to be living for the next couple years. I feel like we've been living in this state of limbo since we moved here wondering when we would finally be told that we could move to another house with more space. And now it seems like it will be happening in the next month or so. 

We will also find out if our little baby is a he or a she. I'm not sure which day we will actually find out because we have to see a specialist who comes in from Salt Lake. Since my family has a history of heart defects, they really want to rule it out beforehand. But we won't get to find out until sometime between the 18th and the 25th. And I have no idea when they are going to let us know what day our appointment is. Apparently they have to schedule it only about a week out.

I am really kind of hoping for a boy. I would be just as happy if it's a girl, but I just envision us with a boy first. It would also be cool to have the first grandson, since we aren't having the first grandbaby (my brother beat me by two years) on my side. It's just going to be so exciting to see how much the baby has grown since the last time we had an ultrasound. 

Either way, by the time January is over, we will finally know where we are living and if our baby is a boy or a girl! Lots of exciting things to come in the next couple of weeks!