Epidural or No Epidural

Normally I'm not one of those people who like to know the future. I don't normally yearn to have a crystal ball to just tell me how things are going to go. But in the case of the child birth, I REALLY want someone to tell me what exactly is going to happen ahead of time.

These past couple of days/weeks, I have really been agonizing over what the hell to do about the whole epidural/no epidural thing. I mostly would really really like to go the non-drug route. I'd like to just do the whole thing with as few interventions as possible simply because the more interference that happens, the harder it can make things. But on the other hand, there are the people who say that having the epidural for the later parts of labor was heavenly. They were able to focus more on the birth of their child rather than the pain.

Overall the risks of an epidural far outweigh the benefits. I feel like there is only one simple benefit to having the epidural, the potential for a pain free labor. One overall benefit, but a HEFTY benefit that I can't quite seem to shake taking advantage of. One that may be the only thing I'm thinking about when I'm in the midst of pain and misery.

Again this is when I would really appreciate a crystal ball. If I knew that I wouldn't end up with a massive headache, or spinal fluid leakage, or temporary (or permanent) paralysis, or a long recovery, or a c-section (due to the lack of labor progress) or any of the other potential risks, I think I would take the epidural in a second. But all of those risks are scary and I'm not sure I want to risk the proper use of my legs for the rest of my life for a few hours of relief.

Part of me also feels like I need to experience the pain. Yes its going to suck and I'll be miserable, but it's like a rite of passage for mothers. There are so many women who can't give birth because their bodies won't let them. Am I taking this gift that God has given me and shoving it back in his face? He created women to feel the pains of childbirth for a reason. Should I really interfere with what my body has been designed to do in order to have some relief? Women every day give birth without medication. Why shouldn't I do it too?

And so many of my friends who have given birth completely naturally feel empowered and strong. It's a huge accomplishment that they are very proud of. The only person who said she wished she would have had pain medication (instead of going naturally after the fact) was my mom when she gave birth to my sister who had a large teratoma on her bum. That was a little bit of a special circumstance though. Her butt was the size of her head, which made the natural way of being born more difficult. But mom even did that naturally and despite her being very sore afterwards, she still did it. So a normally developed baby should be no problem right?

Ultimately I'm hoping that my labor will progress so quickly that I won't have a chance to get an epidural. I think I want to stay home for as long as possible to help alleviate the time I actually spend at the hospital and the amount of time I'll have to change my mind. If I show up at the hospital and they simply tell me that my baby will arrive before the epidural will be ready, then the problem is solved. No agonizing over if I should or shouldn't. But since I live 45 minutes from the hospital, knowing when exactly I should leave is going to be the tricky part.

Only 4 Weeks Left!!

Gosh, I did well with my marathon blog, but for some reason I just can't ever find anything that interesting to talk about for this blog...

We are down to the last month of pregnancy. I hit 36 weeks on Wednesday and I am definitely starting wear down much quicker than before. Overall I still feel pretty good, better than I honestly would have thought I'd feel, but I can tell that it's harder to get around and move in general. I am going to be working until June 2nd or so. The Activities Supervisor that the company hired for Colter Bay had some health issues and was unable to come. So they hired a new person, but she won't show up until June 2nd. So they asked me if I would. I figured it would be a little better than reservations because I'd get paid a little more and it might be a little more intellectually stimulating. Actually it isn't that much more stimulating and I have to commute five miles each way (where as I would have walked if I had stayed in reservations) so it probably works out to not much more pay anyway. But oh well. It's a nice change of scenery and I'll be done sooner. Plus I have more control over the hours I work and days I have off since I make the schedule. So I think I only have about 5 days left to work and then I'll be a stay at home mommy for the next few years.

It's a little weird to think that I won't be going somewhere to go work everyday. As of now, I'm looking forward to being home. I am kind of worried that once the baby gets here and things settle down a little, I'm going to miss going to work just because I get a little bit of socializing out of it more than anything. The jobs I've been doing the last couple years have not been super interesting or enjoyable, so I won't mind not having the feeling of wasting my time working a job that I have no interest in. But I think I'm going to miss seeing other grown ups and having outside conversations. Maybe not though. Maybe I'll just really enjoy being home.

Now that birth is getting closer and closer, I'm trying to not think of it more and more. I wish I wasn't feeling anxious about it, but I really don't know how to not feel anxious about it. On one hand I really just want it to be over with, but then there's the whole "you'll be responsible for keeping someone else alive as soon as it's over" that makes me just want to stay pregnant forever. This could also be why I'm not letting myself get sick of it yet. Because as soon as I'm sick of it and wanting it to be over, things will drag on and it will be that much more unpleasant.

And I do like being pregnant. I have had such an easy pregnancy and I love feeling him move around. When that feeling is gone, it's going to take some getting used to. I mean he's been hanging out in there for the past eight months and I've been able to feel him the last five months, so it will be strange when he's gone. I am really looking forward to seeing him for the first time and getting to know him. I still can't believe that we are going to be parents in 4-5 weeks. I know it hasn't happened overnight, but it's gone by so fast that it feels a little like it might have happened overnight.

We have his room pretty much all set up and ready to go. We were blessed to get two baby showers. I had one when we went home at the end of April with mostly family and family friends and then some of my friends threw me one a few weeks ago. There's only a couple things left that we might still need, but for the most part we are all set. I'm pretty sure we could make do if he decided to come now.

I did just buy a jogging stroller, which I am really excited to try out, but they do recommend that the kid be six months old before you put him in it. Some people do it sooner, so maybe he'll be big enough that I can fit him a little sooner. I kind of wish he came in like March or April because that would have given me time to recover and then I would have all summer to start running again while it's warm out. The way it is now, I probably won't be able to really start getting out there until August at the very earliest. Probably more like September or October. I do really want to get back into running though. It was such an easy way to stay fit and feel good about myself. Normally in the past when I work out, my overall goal is to look "better". I have never really even seriously strived to lose a certain amount of weight (well with the exception of last year, but I was running to make that happen mostly). I just wanted to look better in a bikini. I found that that wasn't great motivation. Instead with running, I could aim to run 5, 10 or 15 miles and when I accomplished it, it just made me want to do it again because it was a tangible goal that I could see and really feel good about. And in the meantime I was getting fit too. And then I had the overall goal of finishing a marathon, which was a great long term goal. So hopefully this jogging stroller will work out great and I'll be able to log a lot of miles with it.

Lately

I have not kept up with my blog at all lately. I actually kind of forgot about it until now. Things are going pretty well. We made it to and from Jamaica without any problems. It was such a great time!! I had so much fun relaxing and soaking up the warm weather and ocean. I burned my legs and feet the first day we were there though, which kind of put a damper on it. I stupidly didn't put any sunscreen on them because my legs hardly ever burn. My feet I didn't even think about. But as it turns out, the sun is REALLY strong down there and things burn even when you have sunscreen on. They looked awful after the first day. I still had a lot of fun though.

I didn't really realize how much being pregnant was going to affect my ability to do some things. Like walking for very long...yea that wasn't great. One of the nights we were there, we had already spent the last couple of days out and about walking around and my feet swelled SO badly. I mean I couldn't even see the bones on either sides of my ankles. Thankfully they went back down to normal size a couple days after we got home. I think I was pretty dehydrated and the sunburn and walking didn't help too much. I was just so happy that they weren't permanently pregnancy swollen. They were definitely some serious fat lady feet. 

I am so glad that we took the trip though. It cost a little money, but it really didn't feel like it hit us as hard as I was thinking it would. We already have it paid off our credit card and have almost got our savings account back to what it was before we left. Since it will be a while until we can do something like this again, I think we will be so happy that we took advantage while we had the chance. And since we might not be working for Vail by the time we can get away again, I think it was a great investment. It was just so much fun to get away for a while and see another part of the world. The next time we go do something like that though, I do not want to be pregnant. And I'm going to wear the sunscreen on every inch of my body!! 

We are starting to get down to the nitty gritty of this pregnancy. We are already at 29 weeks. If ever I thought 9 months was a long time, I had no idea. It seems like it was last week that I was freaking out at the two pink lines that had just appeared on that white stick. How time is flying already and our little guy hasn't even come out yet. I wonder how much faster things will go when he does finally arrive. 

April has already been a busy month and is only going to get busier. We finally moved into our new home! It is so nice to have some more space. We were really starting to feel cramped in the place we had been living the past two years. It's a two bedroom place, so we'll have a place for the baby as well as guests who want to come meet him. We also have a bigger back yard with actual grass and a little patio area. I really want to try and get some pretty flowers and plants growing once the snow melts away. I guess it will really depend on how I'm feeling by that point though. I'm already feeling rather large, and I still have two and a half more months to go. I think this kid is going to be a big one...

We have a lot of baby related things going on this month. I've started doing my bi-monthly doctors appointments, which is hard to believe. We are headed home to see some family before the season kicks off in two weeks. While we are home, our family is throwing me a baby shower, which is very exciting! We're also getting a few other things that family has handed down, including a crib. I'm hoping we can get everything to fit into the car. Then we are doing maternity photos in Butte on Monday the 22nd and then that following Saturday we are going to do Baby Bootcamp, which is basically an all day prenatal class. LOTS of baby stuff in April. I just can't believe that our little guy is going to be here in less than three months. I'm kind of getting nervous about the birthing part. I know that I can do it and I really want to do it naturally, but I'm scared of what I'm actually going to experience. I just don't know how to mentally prepare for it. I have a general idea of what to expect, but I just have this little voice in my head saying "You have no freaking idea what you're in for." I honestly just really want the whole thing to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Just hopefully everything will go smoothly and it won't be too horrible. 

Drama, Drama, Drama

The thing about my family is that there is ALWAYS drama. I swear things finally start getting to a calm place and everyone is getting along and then, WHAM, something happens and someone is moving out, or having her car threatened to be taken away, or getting shoved into a wall. And after all these years, there has been one common factor.

My mom.

Every damn time something goes down, my mom takes it upon herself to think that she is in the right and she must correct her children. All in all, that is her job. And it was all fine and dandy when we were 10. The whole controlling manner in which she insists on "fixing" things doesn't work now. You have to handle things like a grown up. And grown ups don't shout and scream and throw each other against walls. They sit down and discuss the problem. They don't act like babies throwing a fit until they get their way. Because that just makes both people angry and feelings get hurt. "I'm sorry" goes a long way. By getting mad and screaming, you are only teaching your children that that's an acceptable reaction to their unacceptable behavior. So what do they do in response? They scream and yell and call you a "bitch" and don't face the problem. They run away because it's easier to be angry and to hate you than to confront your unwavering opinions and attitude, especially when you will not listen. 

If you want to teach your children to be respectable, you have to be respectable towards them.

And you know, you're not teaching your youngest daughters any great skills by letting them see you fight with all your older children. Those girls are learning how to treat their mom and how she'll treat them.  

I learned a long time ago to stay the hell out of it and not meddle, but I sure still have an opinion on everything that happens. But Lord forbid I try to express my opinion. After all I am just a twenty something kid who knows nothing about raising teenagers. Sometimes I'm amazed that someone can be so stubborn and ignorant. You'd think after 45 years of life, she'd learn to be a little more humble and patient. 

Now I do not deny that my sister is a little brat. I mean she is a HUGE snob and she thinks she is entitled to a lot. She rants about my mom not paying for her glasses and a tooth that needs to be fixed, but last I checked, she does have her own job. And last I checked, she has about a zillion clothes that probably could have paid for a pair of glasses or part of that tooth. Yes I understand that it sucks having to use your own money to pay for that stuff, but welcome to being an adult. And seeing as you are so keen to make adult decisions, you should be willing to pay for your own stuff. I don't blame my mom for being frustrated with her. But when she told me she was going to "clean" her room, I knew some serious shit was about to go down. My youngest sister is not the type to calmly take things in stride and deal with it. They are both just alike and that's the worst part. 

My sister said that my mom slammed her head into the wall...it could be an exaggeration, but sadly it very well and probably is true. I get wanting to beat the crap out of her, but actually doing it obviously won't get you anywhere. My sister is the type of person you have to sit down with and make her listen in a calm and insistent manner. You will get a lot further with her by making her feel bad about something by being disappointed in her than by screaming at her. 

And the thing is, this is so not the first time something like this has happened. My other sister and I were a breeze to raise compared to my youngest sister and my brother. We learned that it was easier to shut our mouths and mind our own business while under her roof, because it didn't matter whether we were remotely right or not. My brother and youngest sister never wanted to accept that, and they suffered (and are suffering) for it. The part that frustrates me about this whole thing is that my mother just cannot see reason ever. She is constantly insisting that she is the one in the right. She never accepts the fact that things may be different than what she perceives. 

When things like this happen, I often remember everything that happened between my mom and dad. All the screaming fights they had in front of us. I place a lot of the blame on my dad for those things happening, but I know my mom had a big part in it all as well. It always started with something petty that they were arguing about and it just escalated beyond control. I often wonder what would have happened had my mom just walked away instead of goading him on. There were so many times that she said something that set him off and she'd just keep at it. I wonder if us kids would be different if we hadn't seen so many of the drag out brawls they had between each other. Would my brother and sister have better tempers? Would we have all learned patience better? I don't blame my mom for wanting to get the hell away from my dad. He's got a lot of issues and some serious mental problems, but I wish she would have handled it differently. I wish I could erase the image of him hitting her from our minds and then her asking for more and daring him to keep doing it. 

Now that I'm an adult and don't rely on my mom during my day to day activities, I can see things from a different perspective. I realize that my mom is not a perfect person by any means and she honestly doesn't have it figured out and she's not always right. Seeing the way she interacts with other people really frustrates me because she doesn't see reason with them either. She just gets into this state where she will not give in and agree to disagree. 

I can't wait for the day the Miranda graduates high school and moves out for good. I can't wait for her to start living on her own and be independent. I hope that that will be the end of these stupid fights and dramatic incidents. I am so tired of my mom being able to control my siblings in such a way that they don't feel like they have any choices or options. I pray that it doesn't happen again with my two baby sisters. I hope that my mom and step-dad will do better with them and things will be more peaceful during their last child rearing years. 

I consider myself somewhat stubborn. I know that there are times that I believe something pretty wholeheartedly and have difficulty looking at it from another perspective. But I like to think that if I am presented with a problem that I disagree with someone on, I won't scream at them to see reason. I hope that I never turn into my mother in such a way that my children call me a bitch or that they move out before they've finished high school. I hope that I recognize that yelling at them will only make them angrier. I pray that I will know when to keep my mouth shut and listen and not be so quick to anger. I hope that I will be the bigger person when I'm raising my children. 

Kicking

This weekend was pretty eventful for our baby milestones. Friday night I could feel the baby moving around quite a bit and when I put my hand on my stomach, I could feel just a little nudge on my hand. Now that was cool! I haven't really doubted that he's been moving around, but it's just reassuring to feel him kicking on the outside and know that he's in there alive and well. The rest of the night, I kept trying to feel it, but had no more luck. But then early Saturday morning, I woke up from a super scary dream (I was being hunted by a serial killer and was hiding in my house) and was trying to get my bearings to be able to go back to sleep. I don't know if it was because my heart rate was a lot higher, but when I went to feel my tummy, he was moving up a storm. There were just all these consistent little nudges on my hand. I was so excited about it that I could not go back to sleep until he stopped moving around. And I didn't want to move at all in case it made him shift and he stopped kicking. So I laid there for about 45 minutes and felt him kicking. Needless to say, I completely forgot about how scared I was.

The next day I kept doing everything I could to get him to move again, but the lazy kid wouldn't move for anything. Every once in a while I would feel him, but by the time I got Chris to try and feel him, he would stop moving.

Finally on Sunday afternoon, we timed it just right and Chris was able to feel a tiny little nudge. After dinner though, he was moving a ton and Chris was able to feel several little kicks. It was so much fun! His face was priceless when he first felt him. Total shock! It's definitely addicting though. Half the time I just want to lay down and feel him kick. There's just nothing else like it.

Before you get pregnant, nine months seems like a pretty decent amount of time to prepare for a baby. After all, it is almost a year. But once it happens and you start counting week by week and each milestone, it starts to really go fast. We only have a month until the third trimester! By the time we go to Jamaica in a month, we will have less than 100 days until the baby's due date. We're almost to the point of if he were to be born he would at least have a chance at surviving (Not that I want that at all. He needs to stay in until he's good and cooked!). I really do think I will go late (At least I'm trying to convince myself of that so that if I do go over, I'm not too disappointed, despite my secret hope that I will go a little early) but not having any idea of when he is going to decide to show up makes it such a waiting game. I can't even imagine how I'm going to feel come mid-June. My mom was eleven days late with me so I really need to just plan on going that late too. That way I won't be convinced to be induced sooner than I should. I've decided that I will give myself until June 30 (eleven days after my due date) for him to come on his own unless the doctor has a legitimate reason as to why he should come sooner. Only time will tell!

Fears and Worries

This book that I'm reading says that it's really good to express your biggest fears about the birthing process beforehand. That way you can internalize them and find solutions to help you face the fears in such a way that they are manageable and solvable (sounds a little fruity, I know, but I do think it will help me to get them out there). And it also helps to just get them out there. I often find myself able to dismiss my fears easily once I get them said and worked out.

As cliche as it may sound, I think my biggest fear about giving birth is the unknown. I have no idea what to expect. What if the pain is far worse than I am expecting? What if there are complications? What if the nurses and doctors are assholes and everything is tense and strained because I don't want to do what they are telling me to do? What if there is something wrong with the baby?

The pain is a big one for me. I keep thinking about all the numerous birth stories I've heard and overall they are all pretty positive, which is encouraging. My own mom has had generally easy labors that didn't have any complications. She even said that she rarely ever tore, a big genetic plus if you ask me! There are things about each labor that she said she would have changed, but she doesn't dwell on them either. She definitely talks about them and says that she would have liked them to go one way or the other, but she still got her baby out of it regardless of if the doctor broke her water or if she had to be induced or if she bled a lot more than she should have. The thing that I've really learned from her is that it's not the end of the world if your labor goes a little differently than what you expected. You still have a beautiful baby at the end of it.

As far as the pain, I don't really know how to prepare for it other than to just think through the whole thing that I can do it. Positive thinking really does go a long way. I remember when I started training for my marathon that I just put it into my head that failure wasn't an option. I kept telling myself that I would cross the finish line, even if that meant that I would have to crawl to get there and I would be out there for eight hours. When I think about giving birth, I keep telling myself that I've run a marathon. Thousands of women give birth every day that have never even attempted to run a marathon. If they can do it, why can't I?

The other thing that is both encouraging and scary is that with a marathon, I could have stopped at any point and decided I didn't want to do it anymore. The world would have kept on turning whether I kept going or whether I stopped and said "Okay, I'm done! I do not want to run any more!" But with birth, there's no stopping. Failure really isn't an option. One way or the other, a baby is coming, whether it comes with or without medication or surgery. Like I said it's both encouraging and scary. I can't stop. It just has to be done. And honestly when I ran a marathon, failure really wasn't an option in my mind either. I had set out to do it, and I wasn't about to stop when I was so close to being done.

I've been reading as much as I can get my hands on regarding the birthing process. I was really on the fence about getting a doula. I like the idea of someone that is there for Chris and me. I like the idea that she won't have a hidden agenda of wanting to get the birth over with, or have it done a certain way or whatever obstacles the doctors and nurses bring in. But is it really worth paying someone $500+ to help us have a baby? There is a pretty good chance that everything will be right as rain and there will really be no need for a doula. I think I have decided against it. I feel like as long as Chris and I prepare together and really educate ourselves on the various "what-ifs" we will be okay.

I would really like to have my mom there as well. There's just something really comforting about having your mom there when you're sick that makes things a lot better. And she has had eight kids for goodness sakes. She's knows her way around the whole childbirth experience. The hard thing is that she lives 7 hours away and it's hard to know when a baby is going to show up. If she came down a couple days before I'm due and then we could all just hang out and do whatever until the baby wants to show, I would love it! She would probably have to bring my little sisters (they will be almost five and three by then) because my step-dad has to work and would have to find someone to watch them while he was away. We would just have to figure out what to do with the girls once I do go into labor. I do have a friend that has a young daughter herself and she is home during the days. She could probably watch them during the day and then once my sisters (who are both working here this summer) get off work, one of them could take over.

All in all, I really do think everything will work out just fine. I have no reason to worry simply because my pregnancy has been a breeze so far, I'm young and healthy and everything is fine with the baby. I think I do have a slight advantage as well because my care provider is a certified nurse midwife, not an obstetrician. I feel like a natural child birth is much more achievable in a hospital with a provider who doesn't have the letters M.D. behind their name. I feel like they tend to have specific ways of doing things that they do not like to stray away from and they look at child birth as a "condition" rather than a natural process. I also had a friend who had the same person that I have as a care provider and she really liked her (and she was able to have a natural birth) so I am optimistic. All in all, I am going to make known my wishes, but I also realize that things don't always go according to plan, especially when having a baby. You still end up with a baby regardless of how he gets out.

It's a Boy!!

We found out, we found out! And it was just what I thought. Like I said before, I wouldn't have been upset at all that we were having a girl had it been that way, but I just envisioned us with a boy first. I built up to this day with so much anticipation too. The last two nights I had ultrasound filled dreams and it was always a boy! On Sunday night, I dreamt that we missed our ultrasound appointment because we forgot that we needed to leave an hour earlier in order to make it on time. And then when I realized it, Chris had to get out of taking a really important test ('cause apparently he was in school again...) and I was pissed! Then last night I kept dreaming that we were at the ultrasound appointment and we could see the perfectly developed baby boy in full on color, like we were looking through a window in my stomach. And I just have to say, he was adorable!

Well this morning we got up and of course the car wouldn't start. We forgot to plug the car in the night before and it got COLD last night. Fortunately our neighbor happened to be outside smoking a cigarette and Chris was able to get him to jump our car. But it wasn't without difficulty. It didn't want to get going. Of course that happens the day we have to be in town early.

Once we got to the hospital, they got us in right away. No waiting at all. We initially met with a nurse and she got us going. Probably about 30 seconds into it, Chris says "It's a boy." I felt like I hadn't even had a chance to look at it yet and right away the nurse confirmed, "Yep, it's definitely a boy!" When I said I still couldn't see it, she highlighted it and pointed an arrow towards it. It was there for sure. I was almost shocked that I was right. I was convinced that my maternal instincts were probably wrong and it was a girl, especially because Chris kept saying he thought it was a girl. So it's now confirmed, our baby is a bouncing boy!! It's so exciting. We couldn't stop smiling after we found out. It's just so fun knowing what we should go shopping for now!

When I called my house, my grandma picked up and I thought I had called the wrong place. Turns out that she was there to watch the girls while my mom was going to class. Mom hadn't left yet, so I caught her just in time. She was convinced it was a girl and when I told her it was a boy, she almost didn't believe me. She said she was so used to getting little girl things that she had to start getting used to little boy stuff. But she was really excited for us. Better than my dad anyway. I don't really know why I even bother. I called to tell him that he was having a grandson and I must have woke him up because he seemed all disoriented and confused. When I told him, he was like "Huh...grandson, what?" Then he suddenly figured it out and still didn't seem that excited. It's just so irritating. He's such an ass and I don't know why I am ever surprised. But everyone else was super excited for us.

Now that we know, I can go update our baby registry and figure out what boy stuff to put on. It just keeps getting more and more real. Honestly, even though I knew it was happening and that I really did have a baby inside me, it just has suddenly become that much more of a reality. I know who it is now. My whole world has drastically changed. I'm a mom. That's a crazy new role change in my life that is both really scary and really exciting at the same time.