Jackson Graydon Tacke

Our son Jackson Graydon Tacke was born on June 22nd (Saturday) at 12:44 in the afternoon. He was 7 lbs 14 oz and he was 20 1/2 inches long. I am so incredibly in love with him. I had no idea I could love someone so much. We are on day 3 and although I haven't had a solid night's sleep in almost a week (the couple days before he was born were rough for sleep), I don't even care. I actually have been able to get a couple naps in and I am able to sleep while I nurse him at night, so it's really not been too bad. And when I wake up and see him looking at me, I don't even care that I'm tired. I realize that he's not going to be little like this for very long so I'm really enjoying every moment.

Labor was, well, it was labor. They call it that for a reason. It was hard for sure. I started having contractions on Thursday night. The hormones were really surging through me and I was really over being pregnant by then. I was trying not to get too bluesy about it, but I was so tired of being pregnant. I just really wanted to get labor over with and meet him finally. I was so tired of being fat and uncomfortable and unattractive and just pregnant. My body must have known too because shortly after I got done telling God that I was ready whenever he was, I started having contractions. They were pretty light and not too strong, but they kept coming every 20-30 minutes. I kinda figured they were just Braxton Hicks, but they stayed pretty regular. Friday morning I took a little snooze because I hadn't slept well the night before. The contractions kept coming though. I was scheduled for a doctor's appointment at 1:00 and my mom told me that we should take our bags. I really didn't think that I was actually in labor and that it was actually happening. I was kind of lacking on what I ended up packing because I really didn't think we'd end up staying.

When we left for the doc, my contractions picked up. I had around 15 contractions on the way there. They were still pretty light and I was able to talk through them without any problem. When we got to the doctor, she did an ultrasound and said that my fluid levels were really really low. I was only dilated 1 cm though, so I had a long ways to go. She told us that one way or the other, we were having a baby that day or the next. Talk about a big wake up call. She had me do a non stress test to see how strong my contractions were. I had my membranes stripped, which picked up a bit, but they were still fairly light. She had us to get lunch and then meet us that the hospital at 4:00. Once I got admitted and hooked up to an IV, my doctor came and checked me and I had gotten to 2 cm...not exactly what I was hoping since it had been three hours but she said that it was good progress and that she wouldn't need to start me on pitocin yet. She stripped my membranes again and that seemed to make the contractions harder. I labored for a little while just around the labor room and then asked if I could get in the birthing tub. That helped a lot. The contractions were definitely stronger, but they were manageable in the tub. I was able to talk through them at the beginning, but by the end, they were taking full concentration.


I stayed in the tub for about 4 hours. I was planning on staying in there for most of my labor, but when I got out to pee, I decided I wanted to get dried off and labor outside the pool. That was around 10:00. The nurse asked if I wanted to be checked (By this time we had a new one named Jan. The first one was named Mary and I wasn't so sure about her at first. She ended up being alright though. Jan was amazing though) and I told her yes mostly because I was curious. I was only at a three. Gah!!

I continued to labor until about midnight I think. I got really nauseous and had to throw up at one point. There wasn't a whole lot in my stomach, but the body convulsions made my water break. It was kind of funny because a couple months back, I threw up from some bad food and when I did that, I peed my pants. Chris was there and thought that my water had broken. It didn't of course, but when I threw up in the labor room, I thought that I had just peed myself, when in fact my water actually had broken. There was a little meconium in the fluid, but the nurses weren't worried about it. She said that some of my fluid had come out in the tub when she went to drain it because there was meconium in the tub as well. But like I said, they weren't worried about it, so they left me alone.

The nurse asked if I was interested in maybe having some medicine to help me sleep (aka narcotics). Since it was getting late and I had a long way to go, she told me that taking something to help me sleep through the contractions would help when it came time to push. She also mentioned that I still had a long way to go. I decided that that sounded like a good idea, since I was getting pretty tired and wanted a break from the contractions. I was under the impression that the morphine would knock out the contractions and I wouldn't feel them. I was able to sleep, but I still felt the contractions. I was actually kind of pissed off that I could still feel them. Fortunately I wasn't mean to the nurse, but I did ask "I thought you said they would go away?!" She told me that the medicine was only to help me sleep in between them, not get rid of them completely. So I endured them. The medicine really did help boost my energy. I remember laying in the bed and breathing through each contraction and then falling asleep between them. My mom and Chris were still on edge because although I was sleeping between contractions, I was still waking up every 5-10 minutes feeling awful. I remember my mom sitting right next to my bed for almost the whole time I slept. I will probably remember that forever, her just sitting there and holding my hand through each one. I remember hoping that I wasn't making her and Chris feel too bad seeing me in so much pain.

Eventually the narcotics wore off and the contractions got stronger and stronger. My nurse checked me and said I was dilated to about 5 cm and 80% effaced. Only 5 cm. I kept hoping that it was going to go a lot faster once I hit 6 cm because my doctor had said the first 6 are the longest and hardest. Once I ended up getting to that point, I would probably go a lot faster. Chris said that he had talked to Jan about maybe discussing the possibility of an epidural around 6:00AM or so. I remember thinking "Oh my gosh, do I have to wait until 6:00??" But I didn't want to be weak and give in yet. Mom had mentioned to me while I was still groggy that if it were her, she would get the epidural and not worry about it anymore. I think this was a really big wake up call for me. If the woman who had given birth eight times, seven of those times without any pain meds at all, was telling me to take the drugs, maybe I should trust that she knows what she's talking about. So maybe five minutes after Chris had mentioned that we could talk about the epidural, I said "Do I have to wait until six to get the epidural or can we start talking about it?" I think everyone breathed a sigh of relief that I was interested. They didn't want to see me in pain anymore. So after a few minutes of them telling me that I was too far into labor to stall out and that it would only provide relief, I gave in pretty willingly and asked for the doc to be called. As I waited, I asked my mom if she thought I was weak for giving in. She dismissed it like I was being ridiculous. She said she had never had to labor as long as I had already and she didn't blame me one bit for wanting some relief.

I think the anesthesiologist showed up about 20 minutes later and I was thrilled. He was this extremely polite southern guy that sure seemed to know what he was doing. They got me to sit on the bed and I leaned against Chris while they put the epidural in my back. Initially when he poked my back to numb the area, I jumped despite the warning he gave that I would feel a little pin prick. I don't know why it surprised me but it did and it scared everyone. I made sure to hold very very still after that. A few minutes later, my feet started feeling tingly and the contractions dissipated. I was finally able to sleep!

And sleep I did! And so did my mom and Chris. I think we all zonked out until about 9:00. Well we must have woke up a little before that  because Jan came to see us before she headed out at 7:00AM. She predicted that I would have the baby about 12:30. Mom guessed that I would have him by 10:00. They gave me a few doses of pitocin because when I got the epidural, my contractions did slow down a bit. At one point, I went 13 minutes without a contraction. That made them worry, so they upped the dosage. They must had got it right at some point, because Chris said he was looking at the monitor and they were just constant waves. Around 9:00, I think we were all awake for good for the most part. I really started feeling pressure in my pelvis. It wasn't quite pushing pressure, but it was definitely uncomfortable. This I really didn't understand because again, wasn't the epidural supposed to stop all the pain so I wouldn't feel anything?? Our new nurse was named Carol and I asked her about it. I said that I could totally still feel my legs and everything and I wasn't too sure if the epidural was still working. When she checked me (I think around 10:00), I could tell her fingers were in there, but it wasn't uncomfortable like it normally was. It was a little reassuring just because I knew it must still somewhat be working. But she told me that they probably couldn't give me another dose of epidural medicine because it might block out all my nerves and I'd have a hard time pushing. So I decided that it was probably okay and I'd rather be able to push him out easily. When Carol checked me I was around 9 cm. She told me I had a tiny little bit of cervix on the side, so I wasn't completely dilated yet. I was told that it wouldn't be much longer though before he would be here.

My doctor actually wanted me to have another dose of epidural because she wanted me to be comfortable. This was different than what Carol had just told me, but Carol said that Jenn (my doc) thought it was a good idea. So they brought another anesthesiologist to add more medicine to the IV. He stuck around for a bit to see if it would kick in. It never really did. I didn't feel any different. Carol said that I probably wouldn't be able to get rid of the pressure and that it was probably good because that told me when I should push.

They got me all situated to start pushing. Carol told me that if I felt the urge to push, to go ahead and do it. Whenever I did feel the intense pushing urge, I would push a little just to see what would happen. I really didn't feel any relief at first. It just really started to feel like I had a big old poop building in my system. Carol checked me again and I was fully dilated. She said that there was a weird pocket of fluid at the top of the baby's head and she really couldn't tell if it was actually part of the baby's head or if it was just a little extra fluid compressed in there. She just left it alone to see what it would do.

I kind of started pushing with my legs still on the lower part of the bed. Carol sat in front on a stool and watched at how I was pushing. After a few minutes of her showing me how to most effectively push, the pocket of fluid suddenly burst and nearly got all over her face. It was really rather funny actually. Had she been sitting a few more inches to the left, that little sac of fluid would have burst all over her face. We all laughed about it and she wasn't too traumatized (good thing since she was the nurse!). Jenn still hadn't shown up yet and I realized that it was probably going to take a while if she still hadn't even arrived yet. Pretty soon though she did arrive and things started getting serious. That pressure was suddenly THERE. It scared me a little because it was like I knew it had to get worse before it got better, and let me tell you, it was getting worse and worse. I started out pushing fairly easily and not too forcefully. I wasn't breathing too hard or sweating. But then it was like I was pushing SOOOO hard and sweating a ton! My mom was really good at telling me how to start pushing and counting for me. Chris eventually took over. Both he and my mom had a leg when I started and then Jenn asked me to lay on my side. Everything really is rather blurry once I got pushing. I thought the epidural would really alleviate the pain, which I think it did, but the pain was so intense that I had no idea that I would still feel it THAT much! Everyone kept saying "It's okay you can do it, breathe through that ring of fire feeling! Keep going. One more push!" Chris told me afterward that is was like I would push really hard and a lot would come out and then I'd stop pushing and it would all suck back. When he really started coming out, everyone kept telling me they could see his head and he was almost here. I swear people said that a hundred times. They said "One more time!" a hundred times. I started to think "When will it really be one more time?!?!?!" But soon I could tell when it really was very very close. I got to the point of getting his head out and that was probably the worst part. All I wanted to do was keep pushing, but I had to breathe! I had to take a break for a second with his head sticking out and his shoulders still in. I finally was able to give one more push and suddenly this huge slimy something came out of me and that was it! He was out and everyone was laughing and crying and Chris kept saying "He's here! You did it! He's out and it's all over!!" They handed him to me and put me on my chest. He was wet and slippery and I remember not being able to bring him up as close to me as I wanted because he was still attached to the cord that was still inside me. I remember Jenn saying "Okay be careful you guys, he's still attached here." I was so out of it though. I mean I was alert and oriented, but I was really out of it. They clamped the cord after a couple minutes and Chris cut it. They got the placenta out a lot quicker than I thought they would. Now THAT was a weird feeling! Jenn held onto the cord and I felt a tiny tug and she asked me to give a little push and, woosh, out it came!

A lot after that is a little blurry. I guess I was bleeding pretty badly, so they pushed a little pitocin to try and stop the bleeding. They massaged my belly (kinda painfully) and that seemed to do the trick. But then I had to lay there and get stitched up. I ended up with nine stitches on my perinium (ugh!) which hurt like the dickens. That took a whole lot longer than I wanted it too, but Jenn finally finished up. She asked if I wanted some pain meds and I said yes. I didn't really realize though that they would make me quite so sleepy. Jenn told me that after they were administered. I fought to stay awake though because there were still so many exciting things going on and I wasn't ready to go to sleep yet. We ended up meeting our pediatrician Keri Wheeler and she seemed very nice. She was at the hospital right when he was born. I was a little groggy so I wasn't as alert as I normally would have been. Chris skyped his mom and dad a few minutes after he was born and they got to see him right away. Everyone's emotions were high. Mom stood by the edge of my bed teary eyed and asked what his full name was (she had guessed the night before that Jack was incorporated). We told her "Jackson Graydon Tacke" and she immediately teared up. I realized suddenly that she might not be okay with it. It had never even occurred to me that I should ask her ahead of time. She told me afterward that she was more than okay with it and that it really touched her actually. Howie was okay with it too. It also caught him off guard, but he was touched.

Pretty soon I got all cleaned up and everyone slowly left the room one by one. I have no idea how many people were in there when he was born, but it seemed like a lot. My mom hung around until about 2:00 and then headed back to my house to relieve Miranda from babysitting duty. Chris and I stayed in the room and had some lunch and took a nap. It was pretty relaxed post birth. Carol came in about 5:00 or so and got me up to go to the bathroom and make sure I could walk. I took a shower which felt really good. I made the mistake of looking down at my hooter and man alive was it swollen! The next morning Jenn asked me about how it was feeling and when I mentioned it she compared it to a hot dog bun. Yep...that was pretty darn accurate.

We moved into a postpartum room after dinner, which sucked compared to the delivery room! They had a pull out recliner for Chris which was super uncomfortable. It was just very small and hot and not nearly as nice. They obviously don't want people to stay much longer after delivery. They were in the process of remodeling their facility, so if we are still here by the time we have our second one, it will be really nice. Our first night with him wasn't bad at all. I woke up for the most part with him, but he was super easy to deal with. I stuck him on a boob when he wanted and slept. A few times in the night, I woke up and he was awake and we just stared at each other. He has the most beautiful little dark eyes. He was just looking at me and studying every part of my face it seemed like. I really loved that first night and all the nights since then. We've had him home for a few days now and so far it's been great. He's a pretty darn easy baby. Waking up in the night is a little tough sometimes, but it's really not that bad. And when I see him sleeping next to me or looking up at me with his sweet little baby cheeks, I just can't get enough of him. I always knew I would love him a lot, but now that he's here and I get to see him every day, I LOVE him so much. Every tiny little thing he does is adorable and I just cannot get enough of him! Overall I am so happy with our birth story. I wouldn't change anything about it. Despite it being a 35 hour process, the little boy that I got out
of it made every second worth it.

Really...Do I Look Like I'm Feeling Peachy Keen?!

Okay...I have not reached the point of being totally over this whole pregnancy thing yet (thank goodness 'cause I might still have another 2 weeks or so left to go) but I am so over people asking me how I'm feeling every time I go anywhere. I know they mean well and I don't hold it against anyone for asking, but I mean really, I will be 39 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I feel fat, ugly and about ready to be able to wear something other than my husband's t-shirts. How the hell do you think I feel? And what is with everyone staring at me like I'm about to give birth in front of them. It's like I'm a ticking time bomb that every single person is just waiting to go off.

I think I just reached the final straw this afternoon when I went out for a walk with my dog. Minding my own damn business. It was a little warm and I didn't go out for very long, but as I was getting closer to home, I was definitely feeling tired. And then this woman (who irks me anyway) pulled out of the parking lot in her tour bus (we live in place where that's normal daily routine) and waited for me to walk closer. She's yelling over this big ass bus engine as other cars are racing by and I can't hear a damn word she's saying other than "How ya doing? Ya look great!" Uh huh...I bet I look great all sweaty and my belly poking out from under my too small t-shirt. I know she really does mean well, but like I said, I'm freaking 9 months pregnant, how the eff do you think I'm doing?! I'm obviously not writhing in pain yet since I'm out walking my dog in the middle of  a June afternoon, but I've been better!

End of rant.

Last Day!

Well today is it...my official last day of working for GTLC. Crazy! I am happy to almost be done. The job that I'm doing now is pretty slow and boring, so it makes the days feel long. And I have reached the point that sitting down in the same position all day gets very uncomfortable. It will just be nice to be able to relax these last couple weeks before I go on mom duty.  

I cannot believe how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I keep thinking that in no more than four weeks (who knows how long exactly), we will have a baby! Life is going to significantly change very very soon. I'm hoping that I don't have to wait too much longer for him to come. I have a few things I'd like to get done around the house, but I feel like if I am sitting around the house too long, I'm going to go crazy waiting around for him. My mom is going to come down sometime close to my due date and bring my two little sisters, which will be great to have some time together. My sisters are so much fun and I'm going to enjoy having time with my mom and just kind of hanging out for a little while. It's just really hard to figure out the timing though. I want her to come down and see us, but I also don't want her to have to wait around two weeks for him to show up. Hopefully he doesn't come 11 days late like I did when I was born. I don't know if I can stand to wait that much longer...

I do not want to be induced if at all possible. I am trying to stay in the mindset that he will come when he's ready and pushing drugs into me to "get things moving" is not the best way to start out. I am trying to be pretty firm in my standing on it, but if we get to the point of being a week or more late, I might feel differently. I think just the sheer fact of how much my life will change once he does show up is keeping me from being too anxious for him to get here. Overall I feel ready, but I don't think I will ever feel 100% ready and so the thought of letting him stay as long as he likes is somewhat appealing to me. 

Although I am not necessarily feeling anxious for him to get here, I am feeling anxious to have my body back to normal. I want to be able to go out for a run again. I miss it a lot, especially now that the weather is getting warm. I love the sense of accomplishment that always came with my runs. I have enjoyed having an excuse to not work out lately, but I'm ready to get back into it. Running was like the one thing I had that I could do extracurricularly on a regular basis. And there are a lot of other people who also do it, so it's nice to have a little community of people who enjoy it as well. I'm hoping that by August, I'll be able to slowly start running again. I bought a jogging stroller that I'm excited to try out. Hopefully he'll like going on runs with me and it won't be so difficult to get out there. 

I am so ready to be able to drink a margarita too. I am not a huge drinker or anything, but the strawberry and blackberry margaritas that the restaurants have here are SO good! And there's just something about summer that makes you thirsty! And now that we have a nice place to live with a patio to sit out on, I can't wait to make up some yummy fruity drinks to indulge in once in a while.  

And this giant ass belly that gets in the way of EVERYTHING is awful!! I am so over it. I haven't had a decent sex life in months because I literally cannot maneuver at all. It has sadly pretty much non existent for the most part. It sucks that it just doesn't work as well. There's really only so many positions (well honestly just one) that works if you can even say it works. And I mean people say that once you get pregnant and have kids, sex takes a backseat for a while. I heard that and figured it would probably happen, but I guess I didn't think about how MUCH of a backseat it would take. For some crazy reason, I was thinking it meaning that it would only happen once a week, or even once every two weeks at the very least and then of course the six week break after the baby comes. Yea not quite the case. I am just ready to have my body somewhat back to myself...

I realize that life will be greatly impacted soon, but I know it's going to be for the better. We are bringing a new little person into our lives. I know that things will be crazy at moments and I'll have moments where my life is a little more overwhelming than I thought it would be, but I also know that there will be all these wonderful moments that far outweigh the hard moments. I am so excited for this stage in my life. It only lasts for a little while so I'm going to enjoy it while it does. 

Epidural or No Epidural

Normally I'm not one of those people who like to know the future. I don't normally yearn to have a crystal ball to just tell me how things are going to go. But in the case of the child birth, I REALLY want someone to tell me what exactly is going to happen ahead of time.

These past couple of days/weeks, I have really been agonizing over what the hell to do about the whole epidural/no epidural thing. I mostly would really really like to go the non-drug route. I'd like to just do the whole thing with as few interventions as possible simply because the more interference that happens, the harder it can make things. But on the other hand, there are the people who say that having the epidural for the later parts of labor was heavenly. They were able to focus more on the birth of their child rather than the pain.

Overall the risks of an epidural far outweigh the benefits. I feel like there is only one simple benefit to having the epidural, the potential for a pain free labor. One overall benefit, but a HEFTY benefit that I can't quite seem to shake taking advantage of. One that may be the only thing I'm thinking about when I'm in the midst of pain and misery.

Again this is when I would really appreciate a crystal ball. If I knew that I wouldn't end up with a massive headache, or spinal fluid leakage, or temporary (or permanent) paralysis, or a long recovery, or a c-section (due to the lack of labor progress) or any of the other potential risks, I think I would take the epidural in a second. But all of those risks are scary and I'm not sure I want to risk the proper use of my legs for the rest of my life for a few hours of relief.

Part of me also feels like I need to experience the pain. Yes its going to suck and I'll be miserable, but it's like a rite of passage for mothers. There are so many women who can't give birth because their bodies won't let them. Am I taking this gift that God has given me and shoving it back in his face? He created women to feel the pains of childbirth for a reason. Should I really interfere with what my body has been designed to do in order to have some relief? Women every day give birth without medication. Why shouldn't I do it too?

And so many of my friends who have given birth completely naturally feel empowered and strong. It's a huge accomplishment that they are very proud of. The only person who said she wished she would have had pain medication (instead of going naturally after the fact) was my mom when she gave birth to my sister who had a large teratoma on her bum. That was a little bit of a special circumstance though. Her butt was the size of her head, which made the natural way of being born more difficult. But mom even did that naturally and despite her being very sore afterwards, she still did it. So a normally developed baby should be no problem right?

Ultimately I'm hoping that my labor will progress so quickly that I won't have a chance to get an epidural. I think I want to stay home for as long as possible to help alleviate the time I actually spend at the hospital and the amount of time I'll have to change my mind. If I show up at the hospital and they simply tell me that my baby will arrive before the epidural will be ready, then the problem is solved. No agonizing over if I should or shouldn't. But since I live 45 minutes from the hospital, knowing when exactly I should leave is going to be the tricky part.

Only 4 Weeks Left!!

Gosh, I did well with my marathon blog, but for some reason I just can't ever find anything that interesting to talk about for this blog...

We are down to the last month of pregnancy. I hit 36 weeks on Wednesday and I am definitely starting wear down much quicker than before. Overall I still feel pretty good, better than I honestly would have thought I'd feel, but I can tell that it's harder to get around and move in general. I am going to be working until June 2nd or so. The Activities Supervisor that the company hired for Colter Bay had some health issues and was unable to come. So they hired a new person, but she won't show up until June 2nd. So they asked me if I would. I figured it would be a little better than reservations because I'd get paid a little more and it might be a little more intellectually stimulating. Actually it isn't that much more stimulating and I have to commute five miles each way (where as I would have walked if I had stayed in reservations) so it probably works out to not much more pay anyway. But oh well. It's a nice change of scenery and I'll be done sooner. Plus I have more control over the hours I work and days I have off since I make the schedule. So I think I only have about 5 days left to work and then I'll be a stay at home mommy for the next few years.

It's a little weird to think that I won't be going somewhere to go work everyday. As of now, I'm looking forward to being home. I am kind of worried that once the baby gets here and things settle down a little, I'm going to miss going to work just because I get a little bit of socializing out of it more than anything. The jobs I've been doing the last couple years have not been super interesting or enjoyable, so I won't mind not having the feeling of wasting my time working a job that I have no interest in. But I think I'm going to miss seeing other grown ups and having outside conversations. Maybe not though. Maybe I'll just really enjoy being home.

Now that birth is getting closer and closer, I'm trying to not think of it more and more. I wish I wasn't feeling anxious about it, but I really don't know how to not feel anxious about it. On one hand I really just want it to be over with, but then there's the whole "you'll be responsible for keeping someone else alive as soon as it's over" that makes me just want to stay pregnant forever. This could also be why I'm not letting myself get sick of it yet. Because as soon as I'm sick of it and wanting it to be over, things will drag on and it will be that much more unpleasant.

And I do like being pregnant. I have had such an easy pregnancy and I love feeling him move around. When that feeling is gone, it's going to take some getting used to. I mean he's been hanging out in there for the past eight months and I've been able to feel him the last five months, so it will be strange when he's gone. I am really looking forward to seeing him for the first time and getting to know him. I still can't believe that we are going to be parents in 4-5 weeks. I know it hasn't happened overnight, but it's gone by so fast that it feels a little like it might have happened overnight.

We have his room pretty much all set up and ready to go. We were blessed to get two baby showers. I had one when we went home at the end of April with mostly family and family friends and then some of my friends threw me one a few weeks ago. There's only a couple things left that we might still need, but for the most part we are all set. I'm pretty sure we could make do if he decided to come now.

I did just buy a jogging stroller, which I am really excited to try out, but they do recommend that the kid be six months old before you put him in it. Some people do it sooner, so maybe he'll be big enough that I can fit him a little sooner. I kind of wish he came in like March or April because that would have given me time to recover and then I would have all summer to start running again while it's warm out. The way it is now, I probably won't be able to really start getting out there until August at the very earliest. Probably more like September or October. I do really want to get back into running though. It was such an easy way to stay fit and feel good about myself. Normally in the past when I work out, my overall goal is to look "better". I have never really even seriously strived to lose a certain amount of weight (well with the exception of last year, but I was running to make that happen mostly). I just wanted to look better in a bikini. I found that that wasn't great motivation. Instead with running, I could aim to run 5, 10 or 15 miles and when I accomplished it, it just made me want to do it again because it was a tangible goal that I could see and really feel good about. And in the meantime I was getting fit too. And then I had the overall goal of finishing a marathon, which was a great long term goal. So hopefully this jogging stroller will work out great and I'll be able to log a lot of miles with it.

Lately

I have not kept up with my blog at all lately. I actually kind of forgot about it until now. Things are going pretty well. We made it to and from Jamaica without any problems. It was such a great time!! I had so much fun relaxing and soaking up the warm weather and ocean. I burned my legs and feet the first day we were there though, which kind of put a damper on it. I stupidly didn't put any sunscreen on them because my legs hardly ever burn. My feet I didn't even think about. But as it turns out, the sun is REALLY strong down there and things burn even when you have sunscreen on. They looked awful after the first day. I still had a lot of fun though.

I didn't really realize how much being pregnant was going to affect my ability to do some things. Like walking for very long...yea that wasn't great. One of the nights we were there, we had already spent the last couple of days out and about walking around and my feet swelled SO badly. I mean I couldn't even see the bones on either sides of my ankles. Thankfully they went back down to normal size a couple days after we got home. I think I was pretty dehydrated and the sunburn and walking didn't help too much. I was just so happy that they weren't permanently pregnancy swollen. They were definitely some serious fat lady feet. 

I am so glad that we took the trip though. It cost a little money, but it really didn't feel like it hit us as hard as I was thinking it would. We already have it paid off our credit card and have almost got our savings account back to what it was before we left. Since it will be a while until we can do something like this again, I think we will be so happy that we took advantage while we had the chance. And since we might not be working for Vail by the time we can get away again, I think it was a great investment. It was just so much fun to get away for a while and see another part of the world. The next time we go do something like that though, I do not want to be pregnant. And I'm going to wear the sunscreen on every inch of my body!! 

We are starting to get down to the nitty gritty of this pregnancy. We are already at 29 weeks. If ever I thought 9 months was a long time, I had no idea. It seems like it was last week that I was freaking out at the two pink lines that had just appeared on that white stick. How time is flying already and our little guy hasn't even come out yet. I wonder how much faster things will go when he does finally arrive. 

April has already been a busy month and is only going to get busier. We finally moved into our new home! It is so nice to have some more space. We were really starting to feel cramped in the place we had been living the past two years. It's a two bedroom place, so we'll have a place for the baby as well as guests who want to come meet him. We also have a bigger back yard with actual grass and a little patio area. I really want to try and get some pretty flowers and plants growing once the snow melts away. I guess it will really depend on how I'm feeling by that point though. I'm already feeling rather large, and I still have two and a half more months to go. I think this kid is going to be a big one...

We have a lot of baby related things going on this month. I've started doing my bi-monthly doctors appointments, which is hard to believe. We are headed home to see some family before the season kicks off in two weeks. While we are home, our family is throwing me a baby shower, which is very exciting! We're also getting a few other things that family has handed down, including a crib. I'm hoping we can get everything to fit into the car. Then we are doing maternity photos in Butte on Monday the 22nd and then that following Saturday we are going to do Baby Bootcamp, which is basically an all day prenatal class. LOTS of baby stuff in April. I just can't believe that our little guy is going to be here in less than three months. I'm kind of getting nervous about the birthing part. I know that I can do it and I really want to do it naturally, but I'm scared of what I'm actually going to experience. I just don't know how to mentally prepare for it. I have a general idea of what to expect, but I just have this little voice in my head saying "You have no freaking idea what you're in for." I honestly just really want the whole thing to be over and done with so I don't have to worry about it anymore. Just hopefully everything will go smoothly and it won't be too horrible. 

Drama, Drama, Drama

The thing about my family is that there is ALWAYS drama. I swear things finally start getting to a calm place and everyone is getting along and then, WHAM, something happens and someone is moving out, or having her car threatened to be taken away, or getting shoved into a wall. And after all these years, there has been one common factor.

My mom.

Every damn time something goes down, my mom takes it upon herself to think that she is in the right and she must correct her children. All in all, that is her job. And it was all fine and dandy when we were 10. The whole controlling manner in which she insists on "fixing" things doesn't work now. You have to handle things like a grown up. And grown ups don't shout and scream and throw each other against walls. They sit down and discuss the problem. They don't act like babies throwing a fit until they get their way. Because that just makes both people angry and feelings get hurt. "I'm sorry" goes a long way. By getting mad and screaming, you are only teaching your children that that's an acceptable reaction to their unacceptable behavior. So what do they do in response? They scream and yell and call you a "bitch" and don't face the problem. They run away because it's easier to be angry and to hate you than to confront your unwavering opinions and attitude, especially when you will not listen. 

If you want to teach your children to be respectable, you have to be respectable towards them.

And you know, you're not teaching your youngest daughters any great skills by letting them see you fight with all your older children. Those girls are learning how to treat their mom and how she'll treat them.  

I learned a long time ago to stay the hell out of it and not meddle, but I sure still have an opinion on everything that happens. But Lord forbid I try to express my opinion. After all I am just a twenty something kid who knows nothing about raising teenagers. Sometimes I'm amazed that someone can be so stubborn and ignorant. You'd think after 45 years of life, she'd learn to be a little more humble and patient. 

Now I do not deny that my sister is a little brat. I mean she is a HUGE snob and she thinks she is entitled to a lot. She rants about my mom not paying for her glasses and a tooth that needs to be fixed, but last I checked, she does have her own job. And last I checked, she has about a zillion clothes that probably could have paid for a pair of glasses or part of that tooth. Yes I understand that it sucks having to use your own money to pay for that stuff, but welcome to being an adult. And seeing as you are so keen to make adult decisions, you should be willing to pay for your own stuff. I don't blame my mom for being frustrated with her. But when she told me she was going to "clean" her room, I knew some serious shit was about to go down. My youngest sister is not the type to calmly take things in stride and deal with it. They are both just alike and that's the worst part. 

My sister said that my mom slammed her head into the wall...it could be an exaggeration, but sadly it very well and probably is true. I get wanting to beat the crap out of her, but actually doing it obviously won't get you anywhere. My sister is the type of person you have to sit down with and make her listen in a calm and insistent manner. You will get a lot further with her by making her feel bad about something by being disappointed in her than by screaming at her. 

And the thing is, this is so not the first time something like this has happened. My other sister and I were a breeze to raise compared to my youngest sister and my brother. We learned that it was easier to shut our mouths and mind our own business while under her roof, because it didn't matter whether we were remotely right or not. My brother and youngest sister never wanted to accept that, and they suffered (and are suffering) for it. The part that frustrates me about this whole thing is that my mother just cannot see reason ever. She is constantly insisting that she is the one in the right. She never accepts the fact that things may be different than what she perceives. 

When things like this happen, I often remember everything that happened between my mom and dad. All the screaming fights they had in front of us. I place a lot of the blame on my dad for those things happening, but I know my mom had a big part in it all as well. It always started with something petty that they were arguing about and it just escalated beyond control. I often wonder what would have happened had my mom just walked away instead of goading him on. There were so many times that she said something that set him off and she'd just keep at it. I wonder if us kids would be different if we hadn't seen so many of the drag out brawls they had between each other. Would my brother and sister have better tempers? Would we have all learned patience better? I don't blame my mom for wanting to get the hell away from my dad. He's got a lot of issues and some serious mental problems, but I wish she would have handled it differently. I wish I could erase the image of him hitting her from our minds and then her asking for more and daring him to keep doing it. 

Now that I'm an adult and don't rely on my mom during my day to day activities, I can see things from a different perspective. I realize that my mom is not a perfect person by any means and she honestly doesn't have it figured out and she's not always right. Seeing the way she interacts with other people really frustrates me because she doesn't see reason with them either. She just gets into this state where she will not give in and agree to disagree. 

I can't wait for the day the Miranda graduates high school and moves out for good. I can't wait for her to start living on her own and be independent. I hope that that will be the end of these stupid fights and dramatic incidents. I am so tired of my mom being able to control my siblings in such a way that they don't feel like they have any choices or options. I pray that it doesn't happen again with my two baby sisters. I hope that my mom and step-dad will do better with them and things will be more peaceful during their last child rearing years. 

I consider myself somewhat stubborn. I know that there are times that I believe something pretty wholeheartedly and have difficulty looking at it from another perspective. But I like to think that if I am presented with a problem that I disagree with someone on, I won't scream at them to see reason. I hope that I never turn into my mother in such a way that my children call me a bitch or that they move out before they've finished high school. I hope that I recognize that yelling at them will only make them angrier. I pray that I will know when to keep my mouth shut and listen and not be so quick to anger. I hope that I will be the bigger person when I'm raising my children.